Minnesota Timberwolves: We didn’t want you anyways, LeBron
By Trey Flynn
The infatuation of LeBron James has no precedent here in Minnesota, the home of 10,000 lakes and the birth of Prince. And the Minnesota Timberwolves have no use for The King.
Pro basketball player/pizza store co-owner LeBron James recently signed a contract to play with the Los Angeles Lakers. At 33-years-old, James has never acknowledged the Minnesota Timberwolves as a possible destination in his pursuit to find a new basketball team.
Not only am I offended by this, but I am appalled that the NBA is willing to love LeBron James unconditionally. Recently, LeBron taped a video of his sons jumping in a pool and it literally had more views than our playoff series with the Houston Rockets.
We have our priorities backwards in the sports and entertainment industry and something needs to be done. States like Minnesota should have a chance in the quest that is signing LeBron James.
First and foremost, how could you not want to play for a state that has the largest mall in North America. The mall is literally called, “The Mall of America.”
A trip to the Mall of America can be a multi-day event. It includes package deals, shuttle rides, hotels, roller coasters, and a freaking aquarium, #notanad. You can physically fit 1,373 basketball courts inside our mall, imagine the possibilities.
To name a few more Minnesota attractions and novelties that LeBron will miss out on:
The home of the Scotch Tape, Post-It Notes, The Pacemaker, Tonka Trucks, Lucky Charms, automatic retractable seat-belts, and finally … the home of Wheaties cereal.
You know who took the time of day to be on the front of our golden flakes of champions?
Michael Jordan and Kevin Garnett, one is the true GOAT and the other is the GOAT of Minnesota.
While LeBron is respected around the league as the best basketball player in the world, teams that don’t usually make the playoffs – like the Timberwolves – still deserve a place in his decision to join new franchises.
But guess what? Even if we were LeBron’s 16th choice on his list of preferable teams to play for, we didn’t want him anyways. We have the best team in the country and are playing in the best state possible.
Andrew Wiggins is essentially a younger LeBron James with less talent for the same money, Jimmy Butler has the temperament of a 96-year-old man in a retirement home, and Karl-Anthony Towns plays Fortnite at 3 AM every day.
Why would the Timberwolves need an old player that co-owns a pizza company when we have three of the most interesting players in the world? We’re on our way up and we’re glad the “King” won’t be there with us on our elevator to success.
Moreover, we wouldn’t want him to play GM and sign a bunch of old players that can barely stand up straight for minimum contracts, and then bring a few All-Star’s in to only have them lose to the Golden State Warriors. Having our whole fan base leave when LeBron decides he’s too good for the best mall in the world.
And LeBron, on the off chance your reading this, you wish Wolves Head Coach Tom Thibodeau would let you play 48 minutes a game without question.
To conclude, you should know that you could’ve owned several lakes here in Minnesota. Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but eight lakes, you could’ve owned eight lakes and created a Twin Cities legacy.
I believe I speak for all teams not named the Cavaliers, Heat, and Lakers – LeBron James isn’t too good for us, we’re too good for him.
Your loss, LeBron.
Next: Is there a Kawhi Leonard-Jimmy Butler trade out there?
Disclaimer: This is a parody of how LeBron James has never thought of the Minnesota Timberwolves as an option during his free agency, and why I’m spiteful.